Overcome

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it."

 Nelson Mandela

So, this past weekend, I did something I would normally not do. I went for an audition. This is officially the second audition I have ever been to. The first time, I auditioned to perform a piano piece at Campus Awards Night. Not to downplay my skills, but I got the impression that the only reason I got accepted was because a) none of the judges were musicians and b) finding a pianist at school was like finding a rare gem. But anyway. Other than that, I have never had any other audition. Well, not at least until last Saturday.

I fondly remember my favorite piano teacher, Mr Muriuki, who trained me for my earlier ABRSM grades, and is probably the person who had the greatest faith in my abilities as a musician, so much that he pushed me beyond what I thought were my capabilities. Anyone who has done the ABRSM practical exams knows the struggle of having to rehearse for at least a year for an exam where your performance ability, sight-reading, ear skills, technique *inhale violently* and a whole bunch of other things were tested in just 15 minutes. Every time before my exam, Mr Muriuki would tell me, "I have raised you in music and know that without a doubt, you are capable of getting a Distinction. But just remember, whatever the outcome, 15 minutes is not enough for a true test of your abilities." 

Back to audition phobias. I have always avoided all situations where I have to be auditioned. I even missed a Berklee audition, which was right at my school, not because I or anyone else doubted my abilities, but simply because of that fear of being openly judged. There's just something about someone deciding whether you are worthy of a future of your dreams in just a few minutes that puts me off. 

Since I started pursuing the pro level, I have miraculously managed to play for quite a number of bands without ever having to audition. When this audition opportunity came, I had mixed emotions. Firstly, it was an exciting opportunity because they are a very musically gifted group, that I have watched do an outstanding performance of Sarafina. Also, I have been a huge fan of Sarafina since I was 9 years old, and as I grew in music, I grew to appreciate it even more. Playing with them would mean a possibility of getting to play Sarafina, which I have been practicing in my living room for years. Saying I was excited, even if it means I get to play only half a Sarafina show, was an understatement. But at the same time, I was not up for it. Why? Firstly, I was told less than two days before the audition, and we all know how I feel about performing when I feel unprepared. Secondly, one of the judges was my guitarist, which would mean he would either judge me harshly in an attempt to not show favoritism, or he would show favoritism and give an untrue judgement of my abilities. Thirdly, I hadn't touched Adam for almost a month. But since it was my New Year's resolution to grab every opportunity that presents itself, I decided to go for it. 

I didn't know what to play or what to expect for the audition, so I got to practicing. Since I have nice lady fingers (or so I like to think), whenever I spend a while away from playing, I get blisters and bruises easily when I play again. To top it off, Adam's strings are fairly new, so as great as they sound, I find them harsh on the fingers. The audition was on Saturday at 10 a.m. By 9:30 as I was trying to record myself, I was frustrated because it didn't sound the way I wanted, and the blisters made it really painful to play. So I was going to quit. Just then, I remembered the same advice I gave my brother a few days before: reach your limits on the best you can, and then surrender the rest to God. So I realized, I've spent too many hours playing through blisters to quit now. Besides, whether they like me or not, I have nothing to lose. I still have my music going for me.

So basically...I was scared, I went, it wasn't that bad, and they liked me.The End :) 

I patted myself on the back for facing my fears, and I reckon that that was a pretty positive beginning to the year, and I am now confident and embracing bigger and better.