Dream a New Dream

"Never regret your past, whether good or bad, because it still has a positive impact on your present and future"

Sometimes in life, we put extremely high expectations on ourselves and set timelines by when to accomplish these goals. Any slight failure or delay in achieving these expectations can lead to a turmoil of grief and hopelessness. Other than the loss of loved one, the worst possible feeling one can have is that of a crushed dream and having no direction to look forward to, like being lost at sea.

Recently, the devotionals I've been reading have been along the theme of  "God's plans and desires of your hearts". The main points of these devotionals, was that God has plans for us and knows what's best for us better than we do. Also, if you have a desire in your heart to pursue something, it is because it is God's plan for you to achieve that desire, and so he places it in you heart that you may pursue it.

If things were to go my way, by now I would have graduated with a double Master of Arts degree in Conducting and Piano Performance, just gotten married to my first "true love", who would have patiently waited, and we would be expecting our first-born twin boys, but alas, none of that has even nearly happened. A friend of mine, Gladys, once told me never to regret my past, whether good or bad, because it still has a positive impact on your present and future. This is a motto I still live by today. In as much as I'm just getting done with my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology degree, "true love" is in a committed relationship and we do not have twins on the way, I have no regrets because I have learnt so much in my experience that I believe has made me a much better individual than if it had gone my way.

Although worth it, this "not my way" experience has not been an easy one:

• Because of other commitments, I haven't been able to get in as much practice as my peers in the industry, also taking into account that bass is a fairly new instruments to me. I have met and played with great, full-time professional musicians, some with as much as 13 years experience in the field and 12 hours a day practice time. 
• Classical piano has taught me to read music and to plan any non-scored music you are going to play ahead of time. Give me any song and tell me to come up with a bassline 3 weeks before and I will give you a superb line. Expect me to improvise on the spot, and I look like a fish trying to climb a wall. But this is what Kenyan musicians are made of; improvisation.
• In the new group I'm in, there are a couple of people in their 30's and 40's, who are looking for the same opportunities I am. Will I be a 40 year old mother still looking for a breakthrough in my career?

This can be very intimidating and stressful, and many a times I have considered quitting and opting to sell sausages by the road side for a living. But then I remember: God's timing and life lessons.

• Psychology has given me a broad perspective that I can use in music and business. My possibilities are limitless, rather than if I had just studied classical piano and conducting. I would probably have just toured Europe and then retired at 35. Since a piano is not an orchestral instrument but a feature, you have to be quite exceptional to be given a concerto, with or without orchestral backing. Same goes for being a conductor. I don't doubt that I could be capable of achieving this, but what are the odds that a black woman would get such gigs? However, I still do intend to travel the world.
• I have learnt to play on the go and so many other things, that I am now even much more confident in my ability to succeed in a music Master's program without having done an undergraduate degree in music.
• Bass is just really fun and, in Kenya, seems to be more profitable

Sometimes we reach a certain age and stop dreaming, believing that once an opportunity has passed, that's it for life. But the past is but gone. Every new day gives us a chance to start a fresh. One reason I admire the older folk I play with is because they have not settled to living an average life because "their time passed". Likewise, I realize that this experience has enabled me to be a more holistic musician and individual, giving me the ability to achieve much more and influence people in a better way. Here's to dreaming a new dream!!