Day 11 - My Muse is on Strike

As cliche as this sounds, my music (or lack of) is inspired by life events. I believe that I am, by nature, a very emotional and expressive person, and I guess this has influenced my music in a way. However, as I get older and navigate my way through life's rocky paths, I am learning that everything is not necessarily as simple as it appears. A combination of recent and past events have led me to become numb. I am no longer moved by things that used to move me. That friend who won't support me despite me having been there for them unconditionally? Whatever. That boy who told me he loved me but forgot to mention that he was thinking of someone else when he told me? Not bothered. I'm focused on growing with my band to pro level, but to others it's just a big hang-out? Been there, done that. Logically, I know that it's supposed to hurt, but I feel nothing emotionally. In the past, I would have called my cousin for an emergency junk food throw-down. But I didn't, because for once my world is still moving on despite circumstances.

This numbness is really working well for me, because otherwise I would be a big and depressed ball without motivation for life. However, this is dangerous for my music. My muse is on strike, I have had zero inspiration lately. Even when I do play, the difference is notable, so much that my church band director had to ask what was going on. The dilemma therefore is; to feel or not to feel?

I remember sometime back when I had my heart seriously broken, and I told my best friend that I wish I could be numb and never feel anything. She responded by saying, "You are an artist. Your emotions are what define you. If you let them go, you let yourself go." One point to team "feel".

My church band director, whose musicality and life outlook I really respect and look up to, said, "When you are playing, be in touch with the Spirit at the moment. Let the Spirit guide you and forget about everyone else." Another point to team "feel".

Today, I have band rehearsals but I have absolutely no motivation to attend the rehearsal. Lately, I have been feeling as though we are not on the same page when it comes to our long-term goals, and this is highly frustrating. Your band is like a romantic relationship, and this is that moment when you have a disagreement and you feel like you need some time apart from you significant other to figure things out. But, hey, the show must go on. So maybe at rehearsals I should just block my emotions? One point to team "no feel".

Verdict: My heart and feelings are essential in my playing, and it will be career suicide to lose touch with my feelings. However, life events do happen, and we must develop coping mechanisms in order to move on with life. If numbing is my way of coping, let it be, but because emotions are an important aspect of being alive and human, let them pour out when playing. At that moment, it is music, my heart, God and no one else. This is the mentality I will go into rehearsals and performances with. Aluta continua!